I’ve been seizure free for one year as of today. Some people may not get how HUGE this actually is, I probably don’t either. As much as I’d love to tell you how strong I am, what a fighter I was, or how I overcame such a big obstacle…I can’t, I don’t remember a damn thing. But what I do remember are a couple moments in time that I sure as hell am glad I have no memory of! Sit back and prepare to cringe.
In July of last year, I met a guy. He was a sailor and a cute one at that. Beautiful baby blues and the biggest dimples I have ever seen in my entire life. I won’t go into details about how we met, I’ll look like a bimbo for sure, just know that I was completely smitten! We decided it’d be fun to meet for drinks, I didn’t realize at the time that a brain tumor had been affecting the way my body processed alcohol. I drank what was usually a comfortable amount for me, but before I knew it…shlammered. I don’t remember our romantic encounters, but the formal noise complaint he received assures me we had a good time. Skip to the day after, I was feeling a little strange, and not just hangover strange. I was twitching. I decided I’d better go back to the bedroom to lay down. I tried to sleep it off, but I woke up and was hungry. The last thing I remember was trying desperately NOT to drop my pizza on the floor a fifth time. I kept twitching, and I knew something was coming. The following details are as I was told by the dapper sailor. Not only did I have a seizure, I had a gran mal and lost consciousness. I was turning colors and spewing green splooge like Linda Blair from The Exorcist. As if that wasn’t bad enough; apparently while in the postictal state (the period in which the brain recovers from a seizure, usually including confusion, altered consciousness, fatigue, etc.), I attempted to make out with the guy. Can you imagine not only witnessing a traumatic seizure, but then having the victim post puke, try to kiss you?! YUK! You’ve got to give the guy some credit, he still tried to date me after the fact. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but based on old messages, I was just not mentally available.
I had another seizure in front of my parents. Again, I don’t have any recollection of this, but what I remember is being whisked off by the handsome paramedics that came to my aide. Here is a piece of advice, ladies…shave your legs if there is any chance that you may be examined by multiple hot men in one night. I was so embarrassed for simply seizing, but adding wookie legs to the mix just brought me to a whole new level of shame.
One more event sticks out in my head, and it’s not so amusing. A few months following the handful of seizures I had, I was hospitalized at University of Maryland Medical Center in the epilepsy monitoring unit. I was recovering from the trauma I had experienced in the previous months. I was hooked up to all of the monitors, wires were cemented to my scalp and my head wrapped like a sikh guru. I was having such vivid dreams, ones that I’d wake from and get confused, not knowing what was dream or reality. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first crush was laying in a hospital bed, tubes, wires, no consciousness. I awoke from that dream in tears. Not knowing if it in fact happened, I sent him a message. I received a response from his mother informing me that he had been shot. Point blank, several times. She explained to me that he was on life support and had no brain activity. I flipped my shit and questioned everything. Could being in an altered state of consciousness turn me into a clairvoyant? Did our souls connect on a spiritual level? I was throwing PVC’s left and right, the doctors decided I needed plasma instead of fluids to calm my heart. I was obviously in shock. I found out later that evening that he was four floors below me in shock trauma, and I couldn’t say goodbye.
I decided then that I was going to take control of this illness, it wouldn’t be the death of me. I began to tell myself repeatedly, “you are healthy,” “you are happy,” “you don’t need meds or doctors.” I started noticing a change not only in my outlook, but also in the medical reports. After eight days, I no longer had epileptic activity on my EEG. I demanded to be released, I chose to withdraw from all of my meds, and after about a month of shakes, hot/cold flashes, stomach rot and mood swings, I was better. I have been seizure free ever since. My brain activity remains normal. People may call it a coincidence, a miracle, or an anomaly. I prefer to think of it as my mind healing itself through positive thinking, affirmation, and lifestyle changes. So that’s my story, no pity party, no attention seeking, no regrets. Just a life that I am extremely blessed to live. If I can overcome, anyone can! The mind has an amazing amount of untapped ability. Change the way you think and you can change your destiny. Set goals for yourself, visualize those goals fulfilled. Declare it, believe it, act as if it’s true and walk in faith that it will come to pass. The only unattainable goal a person can truly have, is that which the mind deems improbable. The power to thrive, overcome, and kick ass has been inside all of us, all along.