For Those of You That Don’t Know, I’m NOT Okay!

20 Jul 2010 9 Comments

by Lolly Pops & Flip Flops in bible, birth, c-section, children, CHRISTIAN, cloth diapers, comfort, epilepsy, FAITH, FAMILY, GREEN, love, pictures, prayer, SACRIFICE, scripture, seizures, sleep, support, tired, Uncategorized, vbac

It’s been a long road, getting to where I’m at.  You see I was preparing to avoid a 4th (and hopefully my final) cesarean all the while having NO true support outside of the birthing community not even my spouse would read a L&D book!  I found myself in early/prodromal labor as all of mine have started and instead of being encouraged as a woman needs I heard comments such as “just go have the cesarean, it will be safer”, “have the c-section, it will be quicker”, “I just don’t get what the big deal is, it’s just a c-section” – HELLO!!  JUST A C-SECTION!  NO, IT IS MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY!  It is the #1 surgery performed on woman in the US…WTC is wrong with this?  I am in stop and start labor and getting discouraged (while taking care of 3 other children under 5, 3 hours away from family and friends and labor support) and I am being told that I should just relax.  I am taking my daughters to and from school with a huge contracting uterus and an aching back and I am being told to relax….moving on!

Fast forward….I though it was time to go…my BP was rising so my doula, MW and I tried natural forms of induction to move things along a bit and the family and I drove to mom and dads, turns out things never got going and on can the pressure from everyone around me.  I called my shadow care at the hospital on my way to alert them of the situation and they put me on the books for a repeat c-section and I decided we would cancel it if it was not needed.  So I met with the MW and doula and I was not progressing and they did a great job encouraging me and we saw that my pressures were down so I cancelled my section. 

When the Doula and MW left the climate changed, people were not supportive anymore.  I was all of the sudden getting yelled at for thinking I was in labor, I was being yelled at for having my mind not made up but how could my mind be made up with people being so supportive while people are watching and shooting me down when everyone leaves, then the bullet to the head, my dad steps in and speaks his peace, my mom says what she needs to say and I am left broken and having a panick attack while everyone is asleep.   I cave and say fine if this is what it takes to find peace, for this nightmare to end, then so be it…I called labor and delivery at Maryland General and asked to be penciled back in to the schedule, the were rude at first but then obliged.

We showed up to deliver, I am contracting, I am in tears, devastated.  My husband knew we made a mistake and said we didn’t have to do this but really at this point…moments away  from surgery was I going to rip the IV out?  I was a broken woman and there were traces of fetal distress when my son’s heart rate ripped through the roof looking back I have no doubt that the stress played a role.  My life has not been the same since.   I had not had a chance to contact my doula from that time and when I was in recovery waiting for my son (for almost 3 hours) I was not allowed to have my phone so when I finally did I got friendly messages from the doula and MW but wishing that I would have involved them in that decision so she could have supported me, I didn’t call her because things happened too fast, not because I didn’t want to call her.  I WANTED A VBAC!  I WANTED TO HAVE A BABY NOT SURGERY!!!

2 Days Post Partum - I told the doctors after post-op that I was extra sore and they didn’t listen, I told them I had abdominal pain and they didn’t listen, I told them the pain meds were not working and they wrote it off as it being my 4th cesarean.  The doctors had no idea how to treat me, they didn’t know what they were up against!

6 Days Post Partum - I still had pain above the range of normal for having your abdomen ripped open was told I had a UTI, was given 2 rounds of  antibiotics, the UTI went away, the pain did not.

2 weeks Post Partum - I was rushed to the ER with extreme abdominal pain, swelling, fever, vomiting, etc.  I was diagnosed with retained products (in my uterus) and a uterine infection.  The doctor on call was too cautious to do what he should have done (a D & C) and instead I was admitted for IV antibiotics and IV methrogen to make my uterus contract.  I was in for 6 days.  While I was in I was given a heating pad to use for comfort to ease the cramping, I got a very bad burn.  I was sent home.   I continued to have pelvic pain, chronic UTIs and stabbing pains where the burn was. 

4 weeks Post Partum - I went to Atlantic General’s ER because I had very bad pelvic pain and the burn turned black, I was sent home.  My mother and I decided to go see different doctors so we went to the wound care center at University of Maryland, they told me that my burn had become necrotic and that I had developed cellulitus.  More IV antibiotics, I was also told that I has a positive MRSA swab test there, I was sent to another OB-Gyn who told me that the Uterine infection was “inefficiently treated” and that she believed that I had a lot of scar tissue and  that my bladder was possibly stuck to my uterus.

3 months Post Partum - By this time My bladder had shut down countless times, I had learned to live my life with catheters, no one even knew.  I was very secretive.  My husband did not make me feel very good about the situation as he would mock me when this would happen, he now know that I have no control over it and we are stronger now.  March 24, 2010 I had a  pelvic laparoscopic surgery to fix the adhesions and scar tissue.  It turns out that the adhesions were far more dense than the doctor though and it took extra time and she has to re-open my cesarean scar to get to them, this recovery was not easy.  I am very thankful for my mom and the woman of church who helped me after the surgery since I had the kids still and Matt had to work.


4 months post partum - I was refered to a uro-gynecologist and diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Dysunction and Pelvic Muscle Spasms.  I have physical therapy every Wednesday but I struggled getting to them.  Matt is only off one day a week and if one of the kids had a need, they came first.  My appointments are 1 hour a way so the gas is a strain on us, and if I don’t sleep well my seizures may act up…long story short, the appointments are important but difficult to get to.

5 months post partum - I was still experiencing chronic pain, fatigue and by this time a lost sense of self.  My kids had been acting out, my husband lying to his whole family, no one knew what had been going on so how was anyone supposed to lend a hand to help?  I had been so tired that the whole Summer had been slipping away and my kids had only been to the beach 3 times (and we live 5 minutes away)!  So, on to the next phase of testing, a Cystoscopy with hydrodistention scheduled for July 16….

6 Months Post Partum - I was scheduled to be in the OR at 8:00am, meaning I had to be in Newark, DE at 6:30 AM (2 1/2 hrs away) and Matt won’t be off SO, I drive the kids to my cousin’s house in Churchill and drive with my mom to Newark.  We check in to the hotel and check in for surgery in the morning….It was later discovered that my husband told his family that I was at a housewarming party (while I was in the OR), I was, we really have been struggling at home without his help and without anyone but my family knowing what s going on makes it hard for us to get any help, I spoke with the pastor and now the church is up to speed on the situation….when have I had time to spill the beans, or tell a whoas me story?  So what did the procedure show?  Ulcers on the inside of my bladder, bleeding a disease called  Intersitial Cystitis.  There is no cure, I am not happy and I feel like there has been one diagnosis after the next, I feel like I have been in the OR every other month and my body HURTS, I just feel plain broken.  I am tired and I need help.  I cannot do this alone and for the past 6 months I have been.  All I want is for things to get better, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have the chance to stand up to the men in my life and say I will deliver this baby out of my vagina….but I cannot, this is what I am dealing with, sifting through, trying to make sense of. At the end of the day I have 4 beautiful kids and 3 very ugly conditions but I will continue to push through this all and find the good in it all. God will bless me for this, He always has. 4th of July with my kids in Daddy’s parking lot (he had to work):     

There will continue to be doctors, counselors, physical therapy and medications work for Matt and School and kids for me.  I can only pray that things change for the better within myself and with my husband so that we are better equipped to handle this situation that is SO larger than us.  We continue to tithe, go to church, give of ourselves, love each other and make things work.  Things WILL get better, there will be a brighter day, God will shine his grace down on us, He always does.

Love and Peace,
Lori